


i've wanted you to know

by horse



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: M/M, Pining, doctor tsubaki, feelings tag, nina is my angel, single dad niles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2020-06-30 05:23:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19846468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horse/pseuds/horse
Summary: I light the fuse,And I watch it burn,And somewhere deep inside I know there's a lesson to be learned.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i just wanted to write something for myself after a while, i really hope i can continue/keep writing this!!

“Niles?”

He picks his head up, empty coffee cup forgotten on the cafeteria table. It really is _him_ \- not that Niles would have ever forgetten the sound of his voice.

“It wasn’t me. I had nothing to do with it.” Feigning a sheepish expression, he can’t help the sliver of a smile that sneaks through. Tsubaki gives him a tired look, but the same smile tugs at his lips in much the same way.

“You always have _something_ to do with it.” Comes the inevitable retort, and Niles' grin only grows as he sits back in his chair. “What are you doing here?”

“Just hangin’ out.” He shrugs. Tsubaki’s eyes threaten to roll, he can tell by the twitch of an eyebrow. Niles sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “Nina held me at gunpoint. The migraines started to get pretty bad, so…”

“Ah.” Holding the clipboard tighter to his chest, the red-head seems less amused and… well. Niles consoles himself that it’s concern and not pity. “What did they prescribe you?”

Niles chuckles, ending on an exhale. “I have a ‘history of barbiturate abuse’, so nothing.” Tsubaki looks, now, like he hasn’t slept in days, hand flying up to his forehead. 

“That was-” He stops himself, continues in a hushed tone. “That was _not_ abuse. It was one time, two years ago, and - you just… why did you have to _steal_ the bottle, Niles?”

“I’d rather have a migraine than deal with the pharmacy pick-up lady. Actually just seeing her sets one off.” Niles makes a serious, contemplative face, staring off into middle distance. “Huh. Maybe there’s a romance brewing between us.” Now Tsubaki rolls his eyes, clipboard coming very close to his head before that delicate hand doubles back.

“I’ll… talk to someone. Don’t try anything funny this time.”

“I never have to try very hard to be funny.”

“ _Niles_.”

“Okay, okay.”

It’s nice, doing this again, Niles thinks, swallowing when he reminds himself that the moment is fleeting. It’ll be another slew of months before they do this again, if they ever do. Moments where they converge always happen at random now, despite wishful thinking and embarrassing, everlasting hope. It used to be an every day affair in highschool, or at least every week - when they were both in the same place, not yet allowed to choose a trajectory.

“Is Nina well?” Tsubaki asks softly. He always does. He’s a very thoughtful person, and has always been that way, even after a proper jabbing. Niles nods wordlessly, and then feeling like he should add something, starts to speak. 

“She started fifth grade last month.”

There’s so much more he can say about her - so much he wants to - but it always feels pointless, especially right now, eyeing the ring on Tsubaki’s hand. What’s the point of still having an eye left when it just makes things miserable?

“Fifth grade? I feel like she was born last year…”

“Me too, honestly…” He’s too candid about his daughter, and it makes him almost hate the subject. Almost. “Don’t suppose you guys have a return policy? She’s still in good condition.”

Tsubaki laughs, though it’s a sharp, warning laugh if anything. “She had better be.” He says darkly, and Niles gives him a flat look in response. But Tsubaki does know better, at the very least, than to think Niles would ever hurt her. Honestly, he flinches in panic and shame when he so much as brushes her hair a little too hard. “Take care, both of you.”

Niles stares at the empty coffee cup in front of him. Suddenly, the hospital cafeteria feels more crowded than before.


	2. Chapter 2

He should have expected something like this, he thinks to himself, approaching the pharmacy counter. 

First of all, the call had been weird. For some reason they could only fill the prescription through the hospital pharmacy. ‘You can come in any day this week, from 7am to 5pm’. Funny, because the pharmacy hours were listed as 8am to 10pm. The voice in the message left on his phone had sounded oddly familiar, as well.

Suspicions are confirmed as soon as he sees the back of Tsubaki’s head, ponytail swinging gently as the man pushes a bin of filled prescriptions back into place overhead.

“I’m guessing 7-5 are your office hours.”

Tsubaki stumbles over nothing, whipping around at the sound of his voice. Caught red-handed. “I had to make sure you didn’t get tackled by security again.” He mutters, already fishing for a bin three rows down from where he’d replaced the last one. “I’d say ‘you owe me’ but I really don’t want to invite the trouble. So. Just.” He whips around and pushes a small white paper bag at Niles. “I’m doing this for Nina, really.”

He can’t help but smile at that. Right. His eye lingers on Tsubaki’s ring finger for far too long, and he thinks Tsubaki notices, because he retracts his hand, but it’s just to start typing at the computer.

“How much?” Niles asks after a beat. Tsubaki glances at him like he didn’t expect him to still be there, quirks a brow.

“Zero dollars and…” _Clack clack clack_. “Zero cents.”

“What a steal.”

“You’re the opposite of funny.” Tsubaki’s eyes are on the screen, focused, but he is smiling in a way that very plainly proves he is distracted. 

_When’s the wedding?_ Niles wants to ask, but he knows that’s a shitty thing to do. It’s not like Tsubaki did this to spite him. He’s probably happy… doctor money, loving partner, shiny hair. Some people have it all. “Thanks.” He says stupidly, distantly. He’s not even sure he actually said it until Tsubaki looks at him again, blinking.

“You’re welcome.” He says softly, with no hint of sarcasm. Niles almost can’t handle the candidness. It makes him uneasy, and he wishes so badly that it didn’t. 

Well, that’s it. Time to go, and probably not see the object of his ridiculous, misplaced and unwanted affections for another… who knows, really. Maybe this would be the last time, finally. “You know.” He looks up too soon. How fucking embarrassing. Tsubaki continues, regardless, or maybe he hasn’t noticed that Niles is always hanging on his every word. “If you ever wanted to talk about what more you can do for your migraines… I really wouldn’t mind meeting up to do that. I’m sure your diet is horrendous… and I’m sure you haven’t touched vitamins or supplements ever in your life.”

Niles snorts, and it’s telling. He gets a withering look in response, sobers. “Oh? Are you a nutritionist now?”

“No… but I do know whatever advice I have is an improvement from... whatever you’re doing.” _You would think that no matter what_ , Niles thinks, dryly, to himself. How very tempting anyway… there was no way this couldn’t lead to absolute disaster, and maybe that’s what made Niles forget how to say no. Tsubaki had always known how to tease out the most potent iteration of his Freudian death drive.

“Fine. See you at book club.”

“Niles, I’m _serious_.”

“Yeah. So am I. See you at book club.”

\---

“God, you were serious.”

Niles looks up as he exits the room into the hallway, a copy of _Water for Elephants_ still in hand, lollipop stick between teeth. Oh. He actually came.

“Well, yeah.” He says, as if he had never given anyone reason to distrust his incessant crypticism. “Gotta keep the mind sharp.” Tsubaki gives him a look, but doesn’t comment, even though Niles can practically sense the retort on the tip of his pretty little tongue.

“Did you want to stay in the building…? Or?”

“There’s a cafe around the corner.” Niles offers non-chalantly, already making his way to the stairs. The building they are currently in is actually a makeshift community center; he had stumbled across it completely by accident when the landlady had tripped down the front steps as he was passing by. One thing led to another, and he was being handed a tupperware of brownies for Nina and several badly designed brochures for ‘saving her life’. Niles had learned to stop questioning good things when they came. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Yadda yadda.

“Okay.” Tsubaki says, re-adjusting the strap of his messenger bag (what is he, a TA?) as he turns to follow. “Where’s Nina?”

“Can’t you just enjoy my company without my adorable brat? I don’t wanna be tag-team roasted while I drink my afternoon coffee.” He hears Tsubaki laugh behind him as he descends, a little breathless with the effort of doing both, and Niles has to steel himself forwards lest he turn around to catch the picture of it, and smack right into him. “She’s with Forrest.”

“You still talk to Leo?”

“Nina is still friends with Forrest.” Niles offers obtusely. Tsubaki doesn’t let him off the hook, sadly.

“Still mad about the Xander thing, huh?”

“Can’t really blame him, I guess.”

He catches Tsubaki shrugging and smiling in his periphery, clearly amused, even though Niles knows that Tsubaki was never too fond of _that_ tryst. “At least you’re self aware.”

The bell of the cafe door rings merrily as they enter, and Niles looks around for an empty seat out of habit before remembering there’s someone else with him this time. He prays that the barista doesn’t recognise him, but of course she does. Because of course.

“Niles.” Comes the cool, crooning voice from behind the espresso machine. What he is _not_ expecting, however, is what she says next. “Tsubaki?”

Niles looks to Tsubaki. Orochi smiles. Tsubaki flattens his eyebrow idly with a finger and stares at the floor.

“Tsubaki is my ex. Amicable separation.” She purrs, and the scream of steaming milk that follows immediately after her confession seems very fitting for the moment. “I didn’t know you two knew each other? How sweet. Virgo and Sagittarius, hm... must be interesting, since it looks like you haven’t tried to kill each other yet.”

“He’s tried.” Niles blurts without thinking, and Orochi snickers knowingly as she moves to the register, waiting. 

“Together?” The way she tilts her head, well, Niles knows what she’s sniffing at.

“Just for today.” He doesn’t have the emotional energy for this, and by the looks of it, neither does Tsubaki - who has been moving through awkward greetings and gestures since they stepped in. “Three shots. Make it count. One hit.”

Orochi rolls her eyes, still smiling, and looks pointedly at Tsubaki. “Matcha?”

“Y-yes please.”

Niles pays quietly. He’s trying to let it all sink in. Honestly… it makes sense. Orochi’s personality (and looks, c’mon)… he knows Tsubaki’s a popular guy, too. There’s proximity. It’s a small world anyway, and he supposes he should’ve seen this coming. Annoyingly, he can’t help but be a little sour on top of everything else. It feels like everyone has gotten their chance except for him. But that’s a crappy way to think about it. For sure.

“Did you read her tarot? Or did she read yours?”

“Shut up, Niles.”  
  
She’ll be by the table with the drinks, she says, and Niles winks, and everything is normal. Except his heart is a swirling vortex trying to make sense where there is no sense, and there are no thoughts in his head, and Tsubaki is very attractive in the waning sunlight.

“God, why is this _so_ embarrassing.” Tsubaki has his head in a hand, cheek smushed against his palm. His hand moves to rub his eyes, and he sits up straight again. “How do _you_ know eachother? Did you-”

“Nah, I’m not a player like you.” Niles says with a laugh, and earns another admonishing glance. “I come here after book club, dummy.”

“Really, I am… I don’t know if this is an endearing development for you, or if it’s scary. Are you having a mental breakdown? Or are you just trying to get with divorcées?”

“Are those my only two options?” Niles muses, eyeing a couple a few tables away, leaning in towards each other, deep in conversation. His eye wanders back to Tsubaki, who’s looking at him as if to say ‘what else could it be?’ “It’s nice. I get to be in a room full of women who either want to date me or adopt me. And to be honest, they have pretty good taste in books. I think they picked the one we’re reading now for me.”

Tsubaki sighs with a smile. “Well… that’s good to hear. I think.”

Orochi appears out of thin air, placing a matcha latte in front of Tsubaki, and then turning to Niles. She sets his mug down - a plain latte with an extra shot - and gives him a sly look. “Here you are.” And then she slinks off, and Niles can only imagine that he glares at her.

“Is she mad at me? Do you think?” Tsubaki wonders openly, watching her go. 

“What?”

“She’s nicer to you. Maybe the break up _wasn’t_ amicable.”

“Nice to see you’re still as neurotic as ever.”

“That’s not funny!”

“Tsubaki…” Niles sighs, hand drifting to his mug, lips in a reflexive smirk. “No one’s mad at you. Everyone loves you. Just like always.” He looks up through lashes, tries to look like he’s being condescending and snide. “Mmkay?”

Tsubaki is clearly not amused. He’s quiet for a second, and then: “Let’s talk about your diet.”

Niles sighs, takes a sip of his latte, and stares at it as he licks foam off of his top lip. “Okay. I live on red bulls, the weird veggie burgers that Nina has been making me buy for three months now, and cock.”

Tsubaki chokes, almost spitting the sip he’d so gracefully taken a second before. “ _Niles_.”

“You asked.”

“Jesus _christ_.” The redhead sits back in his chair, and Niles feels his smirk come a bit easier as he reclines in tandem. “The worst part of this is that there’s a vegetarian-slash-meat joke in there somewhere, but I can’t figure out what it is. But just know that I know that it’s there.”

“You’re fucking incorrigible.” Niles jokes. He watches Tsubaki’s nose scrunch, his burgundy eyes slide from the brick wall back to him, and he tries, desperately, not to melt.

“Yeah, well. That’s your influence.” He chances another sip. “Maybe cut out the red bulls.”

“Yeah, sure. I can just do crack cocaine instead. Or meth.”

Tsubaki gives him an incredulous look, jaw tightening, and he is trying so very hard not to take the bait. Niles can see the strain from the end of his perfectly threaded eyebrow to the line of his handsome jaw. Damn, his fiancée was lucky. Did they know how lucky? Probably not. Fiancée? Fiancé? Wife? Husband?

“You ever gonna talk about getting married? Or am I not allowed to know about your personal life anymore?”

The reaction is not as funny as he thought it might be. Tsubaki actually looks… uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Niles is suddenly filled with intense regret, but it’s too late to take back the question now.

“It’s… I mean I didn’t think you’d. I don’t know. It never came up.” He swallows, eyes focused on the green of his latte. “I’m not married yet, it’s only been a few months since he asked.”

“Congrats.” Niles says emptily, tipping his mug like a glass of champagne. Tsubaki gives him a tired glance in response.

“I thought you and Corrin were… I mean last I heard from you, anyway.”

There it is. Yeah, Tsubaki isn’t wrong. The last time they saw each other long enough to have a semi-serious chat, Niles and Corrin had been trying to make things work again for Nina. It had been a vicious cycle of bad habits and old wounds… largely Niles’ own fault, as usual. But even the concession had just made Corrin angry with him. Something about… self-pity. Romanticising his misery. He had tried harder this time, but it was difficult to shake the same things that had scared him off in the first place, and it was difficult to ammend the damage that had been done. At the end of the day he’s just… beyond grateful that he was able to maintain joint custody. Without Nina there would be nothing. No hope, no purpose. She is really, truly, his everything.

“We tried.” He admits honestly. “No dice.”

For once, Tsubaki seems sympathetic, but somehow, that is really… not at all what he wants to see in Tsubaki’s eyes. Maybe that’s just more stubborn-ness. He can’t tell anymore.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

Niles shrugs. There is nothing to say. It’s awkward, but he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, and he’s too spent to think of something witty to add. So of course there is a long, obnoxious pause as Tsubaki tries to fix things, and the situation seems agonisingly familiar.

“I think the veggie burgers help my migraines.” He says, staring at the couple again. They are getting up to leave, hand in hand. He takes a sip of his latte, and brings the mug into both of his hands. “I can switch to sugar free red bulls. The last thing is gonna be hard to cut.”

Tsubaki sighs, shoulders lowering with the exhale, and he gives Niles a soft smile. “I’m not gonna humour that.” And then, after pursing his lips: “It’s a good start… but. Let me give you some recommendations.”


	3. Chapter 3

“And Forrest’s _mom_ said that hot dogs and bologna are full of nitrates.”

“Yeah? What’s a nitrate?”

“It’s just bad!” Nina exclaims, happily binning the last two hot dogs that had been sitting in the refridgerator. “And you know, goat cheese is good. You’re just _difficult_.”

Niles can’t help but smile to himself as he tries, for the fifth time, to scan nutritional facts for things Tsubaki told him to avoid. Nina is very distracting… Nina is very adorable… but she is also very obnoxious.

“Are you the parent or the kid? I forget.” He muses out loud, and catches the whip of braids as Nina swivels around, hands on her hips. Forrest probably stands just like that, and Niles thinks they should maybe stop hanging out so much.

“I’m adopting you. Now I’m the mom. And you gotta listen to everything I say, or else I won’t like you anymore.” There goes the ice cream. C’mon. What was this, prison?

“Who taught you how to negotiate? You kinda suck.”

She snatches the bag from his hands and gives him a big, dramatic pout. “If you can’t say something nice, you should shut it, dad.” It stuns him into amused silence, blue eye wide, and he tries hard not to smile and give himself away.

“And who says that?”

“ _Me_.”

\---

The diet overhaul isn’t so bad. Most of the things they cut out are things he won’t miss, if only for the price point. Healthier options are always more expensive, but he supposes he owes it to Nina anyway to not totally drop the ball… then maybe he can stop hearing about how Forrest’s mom makes all these really bizarre sounding things (carrots with goat cheese? parsnip cupcakes? quinoa?).

He’s staring at the bottle of drug-store brand magnesium in his hand when Nina comes out of her room, holding her sketchbook. Immediately he rifles through a bag and pulls out a strawberry Nesquik, and a plain bagel with cream cheese. The way her face lights up is so precious - he’ll never get over it, not for the rest of his life. She’s so giddy she almost forgets what she was about to show him.

“Thanks Dad!” Already her hand is grabbing for the milk, and then she’s looking excitedly at him. “I finished all the books from the library too… can we go back soon?”

“All three?”

“Manga are super short! It only took me two days.”

“Which ones again? Fruit Basket and High School Club…?”

Nina huffs, and Niles knows he’s terribly wrong when he can visibly see the secondhand embarrassment wash over her.

“Dad… just... don’t...” Yeah, he definitely fucked those titles right up. “Does Doctor Tsubaki like manga?”

“That’s an unfair presumption.” Niles says with a breath of a laugh. The implication is lost on Nina, who is far too young to understand the concept of microaggressions and stereotypes. “But yeah, he’s a total nerd.”

“Can you show him this? ‘Cause… maybe he’d like it. And he can tell me if it’s good.”

Niles blinks as she opens up to a page in her sketchbook, hesitating before she turns it around to hand over for a proper look. He takes it carefully, mouth dry all of a sudden as his eye scans the drawing. It’s her, him and Tsubaki. She has a cute little fox ears and nine tails (it looks like there were more, but they’ve since been erased). He has what he assumes are dragon horns and a reptilian eye. Tsubaki has a unicorn horn. ‘Fruits Basket myth characters’ is written messily on the top of the page. It’s just a little girl’s playful musings, but somehow, she has torn him in half with a simple doodle. There is so much innocence in the way everyone’s hands are folded neatly behind their backs and out of view… and yet, it reopens, with admirable accuracy and speed, a slew of ugly, shameful feelings. He feels light-headed, knows he has to speak up and compliment her soon, or she’s going to get even more self-conscious than she already probably is.

“You drew this?” He manages, hoping he sounds proud and not on the verge of a panic attack. She nods silently, body swinging, foot twisting nervously. “I’m sure he’ll love it.” He forces a smile, forces it into his eye. She beams. It worked. She trots away happily, starting to tear the page from her sketchbook.

He feels so stupid.

Things shouldn’t be this hard. Getting over someone shouldn’t be this hard. What is it about Tsubaki that always effortlessly winds him?

Niles still remembers, like yesterday, when him and Corrin broke their engagement. That was when his headaches started to get worse and worse. It was when he got back in touch with Tsubaki. And a few months after that, he was inadvertently rejecting him, going on about how he never wanted to date again. How he wasn’t meant for relationships. 

‘ _I was going to confess to you. I mean I’m glad I didn’t, in retrospect. You’d only been single since January._ ’ Tsubaki’s sad little smile as he spoke was hard to look at. Niles hadn’t realised it even then, standing in the waiting room of Tsubaki’s office, a year later after the fact. He thought he’d been embarrassed, but really, it was the bubbling of guilt and self-repugnance. He was distracted by the crushing weight of Tsubaki telling him that he might have been in love with him, but not anymore. _Safe and sound_ , he’d thought bitterly, staring at the off-white tile beneath his worn boots.

And then it was two years later, and Nina was going into fourth grade, and he thought he should try to make things with Corrin work again. Be there for Nina. Be a better father. Any kind of father at all instead of the shambling mockery of one. And _that_ backfired. The situation wasn’t as messy as it had been the first time, at least. They had mostly just come to realise that what had been there… what they’d had since highschool just. Didn’t exist anymore. They needed to see other people. They needed to stop forcing a relationship just because they had a kid together.

“Dad?”

Niles whips around, almost knocking over a box of Apple Jacks that had escaped the purge. He thought Nina had gone back to her room. Seems like she had just flitted away to pack up the drawing into a folder labelled ‘DR. TSUBAKI’.

“Hmm?” He swallows, clears his throat. He’s afraid to speak right away, just incase he croaks instead.

“Did you forget what you were doing again? Or…” Her voice drops to a loud whisper. “...does your head hurt?”

“I’m fine, sweetheart.” He ruffles her hair, watches her face contort, but she doesn’t put up too much of a fit. “If you want, we can head to the library now before it closes.”

“Oh yeah! Oh frick, _yes_.” With a victory pose, she sprints to the door to get her shoes.

“Language.”

Loudly, from the front door: “I SAID _FRICK_!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while!! thank you so much for reading!

Two weeks pass without much excitement. Niles knows he should cherish that, but lately he’s been hoping more often than not that something will happen. Anything. He’s not even too sure _what_... but it feels like he’s been in limbo for so long.

Antsy.

The bell on the cafe door chuckles at him overhead, and Orochi is there, restocking cups gracefully as she chats with a coworker. The one with blue hair that kind of scares him a little. Does _not_ like flirting. Very fair. Niles had changed his whole vernacular just to avoid her spitting in his americanos, much to Orochi’s amusement.

“No. Last time I let Azama pick up the fabric for me, and it was a disaster. I don’t even know if he’s allowed back there.”

“That honestly doesn’t surprise me. I have some left overs though, just let me know the exact shade of blue - ‘cause I have a few different ones.”

Niles waits patiently as Oboro eyes him, with unmasked severity, from across the counter. He pointedly says nothing, just sucks in his bottom lip and looks at his shoes. Orochi appears behind her, chin on Oboro’s shoulder, smiling like a cheshire cat.

“Gosh, I love this. No one else can shut him up so _expertly_ , how cute.”

Oboro sighs, obviously trying not to smile. “You can speak, as long as you remember that I’m the district manager and can have you banned from all of my locations.”

“Wow, sounds…” He watches the twitch of her lip, closes his mouth, smirks. “Darkest roast, please. A little room.”

Orochi giggles, quickly pulling away to the brewed coffees to pour his cup while Oboro rings him out. She smiles, too, perhaps despite herself. Niles feels a little bit better about the world as he drifts to the milk and sugar station, and even as he sits, alone, at a table for two.

Tsubaki will be here at some point, he won’t hold his breath for exact timing. Sure, they had made plans… but Niles knows that a lot of things come before him on the priority list. Not a big deal. He would enjoy his coffee, and the small break from life. He puts Nina’s folder down on the table, and opens his book. He’ll be ahead a few chapters… but he’s sure no one at book club will mind too much.

Ten minutes. Fifteen. Orochi comes by to sit and chat for a few minutes, and the sunlight gets warmer outside. She gets up to start closing the blinds, and he checks his phone again. Nothing.

He shouldn’t really be upset. Maybe he isn’t, just disappointed. Is it a sign? Is it a bad idea to show the drawing to Tsubaki? Should he just lie to Nina, and say that he loved it? 

He’s broken out of reverie by words he isn’t processing and shuffling, and just like that, Tsubaki is collapsing into the seat across from him, out of breath.

“Sorry… sorry...”

“It’s okay.” Niles says simply, and for a moment, he actually believes himself. Tsubaki’s phone rings.

“Ugh.” The red-head deflates, looks at his phone screen. “It’ll just be a second, I’m so sorry Niles…”

He nods, batting a hand, sipping his less-than-hot, but still warm coffee.

“Ah, hi-” Tsubaki’s whole face lights up with warmth, and he tucks hair behind his ear. His smile travels up to his eyes in seamless contentment, both hands on the phone before he balances it on his shoulder so he can rummage through his bag. “-I ran late, but I’ll be there later on time,”

He pauses, readjusts to sit straight again and switch the phone to his other ear, other hand still. “No, you don’t have to do that, I can still-...” His lip parts. His expression empties. “Ahh… okay.” The hand that was previously lost in his bag reappears, empty. Niles watches the engagement ring catch light, watches Tsubaki eye the same thing before eyeing him, prompting Niles to avert his gaze immediately. “Yeah. Next week.” Another pause, and then Tsubaki mumbles a sheepish ‘love you’ before throwing his phone in his bag with a deep inhale, pushing his fringe up to put a hand on his forehead, eyes closed in frustration.

“Something wrong?”

Niles guesses he sounded too non-chalant, because Tsubaki’s eyes flicker to him with a fraction of their previous warmth.

“I’m sure you’d like that.”

“Not really.”

Tsubaki’s mouth opens to say something, and then it closes. His adam’s apple bobs. “Sorry. Today is…” Long, messy hair shivers with the shake of his head. “I’m awful, taking it out on you, huh…” He mutters, pinching his brow.

“Yeah, but it’s why I like you.” Niles offers, head resting on a hand as he watches Tsubaki decompose. “I’ll listen if you wanna talk.”

Tsubaki scoffs, then swallows, shifts awkwardly in his seat. “It’s fine, I’m just stressed. I shouldn’t dump it all on you. That’s not why I’m here.”

 _Why are you here?_ Niles wants to ask, but he’s reformed, now, so he doesn’t.

“What’s that?” Tsubaki says, gesturing to the folder on the table. Without thinking, Niles picks it up and sandwiches it between his thigh and the arm of his chair.

“Book list for this week.” He lies. “Should I beat some sense into your husband?” He cracks the knuckles of one hand, and Tsubaki laughs behind a hand, regards him with a mixture of deep-seated annoyance and amusement.

“We’re not married yet.”

Niles hates hearing that. What he hates more is the feeling that accompanies it every time - like it’s not too late to give up, when it clearly is. He’s not a home-wrecker. He rolls his eyes, smiles despite himself.

“Can I ask you something?” Tsubaki continues, and Niles dips his head in silent, tame, acquiescence. While the other prepares whatever question he’s got, Niles wonders vaguely when it’ll be too hard to look at him. Too hard to talk to him. Knowing… knowing that everything is really, truly, over. “How did you know you were in love?”

Far away in his mind, there is the sound of cicadas, loud and permeating as the summer heat. Tsubaki is asking about Kamui, and Niles is thinking of Tsubaki’s mouth moving around the words he cant forget: ‘ _I was going to confess to you. I mean I’m glad I didn’t, in retrospect._ ’ He is thinking about capable hands, about the mole under Tsubaki’s ear, close to where his hairline starts or ends.

“Everything hurt, but I didn’t want it to stop.” He says, staring at his folded hands, feeling like someone has ripped everything out of him in a single, violent motion.

“Seriously, Niles.” Tsubaki groans, and Niles barely hears him. _I am being serious_. He smiles despite himself. He shrugs, and sips his coffee. Tsubaki sighs, runs hands through his hair.

“Why did I even bother.” But he’s smiling with the same warmth from before, shoulders relaxed as he rummages through his bag, and pulls out a folder of his own. “Anyway, back to business.”

“What’s this?” 

“The university connected to my hospital is re-staffing some positions. English professor, linguistics, et cetera. I know you at least finished your Master’s. I don’t know if they’ll tenure you, but…” A pointed look. “This isn’t a favour as much as it’s passing along info, so don’t be annoying, okay?” The faux-sugar sprinkled all over _that_ would make anyone nervous.

“I hate when you make that face. It makes me feel like you’re about to pull my hair and steal my boyfriend.”

Tsubaki makes a sly face. “If only to save you.”

“What did you just say?” Niles can’t help it, he balks, mouth opening to stave the impending grin.

“Too far?” Tsubaki’s nose scrunches cutely.

Niles laughs into his coffee before drinking the last of it like a shot. “You’re a fucking menace. Don’t let your hubby find out who you really are.” 

“You talk, you die.”

With another shrug, Niles just shakes his head. _Don’t fucking flirt_ , his brain screams. The sunset glow outlines Tsubaki’s profile as he smiles, candidly, and Niles feels everything leak out of his left ear into a puddle on the floor.


End file.
